Margaret Mead Japan China Religie en seks Moral panics Seks en robots De seksuele ontwikkeling van jongeren Seksualisering Leeftijdverschillen Geweld en misbruik Consent Sexting Sex trafficking Prostitutie PornografieAlle ellende die in dit boek beschreven wordt is vaak het gevolg van ellendige huwelijken. Maar het boek geeft geen kritiek op het huwelijk, terwijl dat eigenlijk voor de hand zou liggen. Hoeveel huwelijken zouden dysfunctioneel zijn? Als je naar het aantal scheidingen kijkt moet dat aantal enorm hoog zijn.
Kenneth M. ADAMS[Alleen maar wat citaten.]
"In the first part of the book, I use the word “victim” to describe the person still experiencing the effects of covert incest. These early chapters describe the victimization process and its consequences. In the last chapters, I discuss change and recovery. I use the word “survivor” instead of “victim” at that point to help underscore the important transformation from being a victim to reclaiming life. Also, to help the stories flow without the encumbering use of he/she or him/her, I use personal pronouns interchangeably."(16)
"There is nothing loving or caring about a close parent-child relationship when it services the needs and feelings of the parent rather than the child. “Feeling close” with your parents, particularly the opposite-sex parent, is not the source of comfort the image suggests. It is a relationship in which the individual, both as a child and later as an adult, feels silently seduced by the parent. Feelings of appreciation and gratitude do not prevail in these “close” relationships. Instead, they are a source of confusing, progressive rage." [mijn nadruk] (18)
"Others listen to the lectures and insist there is no harm in their close relationship with their opposite-sex parent. Actually, they claim to feel special and privileged. These children were given a special position by being idealized by the parent. But there is no privilege in being cheated out of a childhood by being a parent’s surrogate partner. As adults, these individuals in turn idealize their parents to cover the pain of the abandoned and victimized child within. To be a parent’s surrogate partner is to be a victim of covert incest. This book is about the silent seduction covert incest victims experience and its effect on their sexuality, intimacy, and relationships." [mijn nadruk] (19)
"Sexual contact in dependent relationships is never justifiable because there is always a loss of choice. People in dependent relationships seldom challenge those in positions of authority, even when they feel victimized and violated. This is especially true when the violation is between parent and child." [mijn nadruk] (22)
"Children are not property. They feel terrified and degraded when a parent, or any adult, is sexual with them. Cooperation does not equal enjoyment. They are too scared, too emotionally needy, or too starved for affection to say no. Even if children report that at some level they enjoyed the sexual contact, it is still emotionally damaging. Children are generally too needy and confused to understand inappropriate sexual touch. Their enjoyment is, at some level, a source of guilt and shame later in life ... " [mijn nadruk] (23)
[Het lijkt zo sympathiek, dit standpunt, maar opnieuw worden kinderen zwaar onderschat. Oordelen van bovenaf zonder de kinderen iets te vragen.]
"Unfortunately, instances of boys being violated have been underreported."(23)
"Sexual stereotypes about men contribute to the underreporting of boys who are incest victims. For example, the myth that “men are just more sexual than women and always want sex” suggests a young boy would welcome being sexually stimulated by an adult woman and would not necessarily feel victimized. On the contrary, a young boy just learning about his body and sexuality is overwhelmed to have a woman touch him in a sexual way." [mijn nadruk] (23)
"Overt incest is one of the most frightening and traumatic experiences a young girl or boy has to endure. A common myth is that overt incest is the exception rather than the rule in American families. This is not the case. The National Center for the Victims of Crime reports that one in four girls and one in six boys will have experienced an episode of sexual abuse by the time they are eighteen years of age. Another myth is that most sexual abuse is perpetrated by strangers or nonfamily members. In fact, according to Childhelp, 68 percent of all childhood sexual abuse is committed by family members." [mijn nadruk] (24)
"Covert incest occurs when a child becomes the object of a parent’s affection, love, passion, and preoccupation. The parent, motivated by the loneliness and emptiness created by a chronically troubled marriage or relationship, makes the child a surrogate partner. The boundary between caring love and incestuous love is crossed when the relationship with the child exists to meet the needs of the parent rather than those of the child." [mijn nadruk] (26)
"The child becomes an object to be manipulated and used so the parent can avoid the pain and reality of a troubled marriage."(26)
"To the child, the parent’s love feels more confining than freeing, more demanding than giving, and more intrusive than nurturing. The relationship becomes sexually energized and violating, even without the presence of sexual innuendos, sexual touch, or conscious sexual feelings on the part of the parent. The chronic lack of attachment in the marriage is enough to create an atmosphere of sexualized energy that spills over to the child."(26-27)
"There is an important difference between overt and covert incest: while the overt victim feels abused, the covert victim feels idealized and privileged. Yet, underneath the thin mask of feeling special and privileged rests the same trauma of the overt victim: rage, anger, shame, and guilt. (...) The adult covert incest victim remains stuck in a pattern of living that is aimed at keeping the special relationship going with the opposite-sex parent. It is a pattern of always trying to please mommy or daddy."(27)
"In a covertly incestuous relationship, the parent complains to the child about the difficulties in the marriage. The child becomes the parent’s confidante. Loneliness, bitterness, and dissatisfaction with the marriage and sex life are common topics in these discussions."(29-30)
"For women who have played the role of a surrogate spouse, the issues surrounding covert incest are similar to those of men who have done the same, but they are also different. For example, some women grow up playing the role of “Daddy’s love” while also being a surrogate partner for Mom; men rarely have surrogate partnerships with both parents. Women can also play the role of their mother’s surrogate husband without the sexual tension that is evident with men and their mothers. In these instances, eating compulsions are more common than sexual problems in adulthood.
In addition, women more frequently experience direct sexual touch (overt incest) by their fathers while simultaneously playing the role of his surrogate spouse. When this occurs, there is a deep injury to a woman’s core sense of self." [mijn nadruk] (62-63)
"Children who are abused often have no choice but to create a false, illusory image of the abusing parent, which enables them to believe they are loved. Children will hold onto this belief at any cost; their need to believe they are loved is as vital as is their need for food or water. For this reason, many abused children idealize the abusing parent."(68)
"Sexual addiction is a misguided attempt at separation and definition of self for a covert incest victim. It becomes a perceived gateway to feel separate from the opposite-sex parent and experience an autonomous sense of self. Not all victims of covert incest become sexual addicts, nor are all sexual addicts covert incest victims. Nonetheless, sexual addicts often played the role of a parent’s surrogate partner in their own childhoods." [mijn nadruk] (84)
"Early on, the addict regards excessive sexual appetite as a way to self-definition. Soon, sexual activity becomes a hiding place rather than a source of genuine love and intimacy. Sexual addiction insidiously depletes self-worth, integrity, and hope. In the wake of its destruction lie despair, confusion, anger, guilt, and shame. Addicts are emotionally unavailable to themselves and to those around them. Relationships with significant others are distant and strained. Work, the one place addicts usually seek refuge, eventually becomes disrupted as well." [mijn nadruk] (85)
"Not all rape and incest are committed by an out-of control sexual addict, yet some sexual addicts commit incest or rape. Conversely, not everyone who masturbates, has an affair, engages in one-night stands, or uses sex to avoid conflict is a sexual addict. However, sexual addicts can and do engage in some or all of these behaviors. A sexual addict can become a prisoner to masturbation, pornography, multiple relationships, anonymous sex, affairs, prostitution, cross-dressing, voyeurism, and exhibitionism." [mijn nadruk] (86)
"Covert incest victims long to fill their illusions and have their intimacy needs met. Since perfection is not possible, never feeling satisfied becomes a chronic emotional response in relationships. Consequently, the ability to make a full emotional commitment to a relationship is greatly restricted."(105)